Real Estate: The Cast of Characters

Jackson Heights:

Realtor #1
Madam Beaudoin- She is fabulous. We've been seeing her since early last summer when we thought we were in contract on my place. She showed us the first house we LOVED, and nothing has compared to it ever since. She doesn't show us yucky property, like the urine house, or the overly crowded Chinese immigrant hideouts, or the house that's falling over and sloping to one side. She went to Pratt and also has an interior design business on the side. The first time we were in her office, her partner Daniel Karatzas, gave us a book he published on the garden district of Jackson Heights, with a forward by Robert Sterns.

Realtor #2
Scarfania. His name is actually Carfagnia, but we dislike him so of course we don't call him by his actual name. He showed us a house we actually liked enough to put a bid on, early on in the search when we didn't know any better. That house which we retracted the bid on is now called the Baby Jonah and the Asbestos Whale. He is a slimy character, and you could just tell that he was lying when his mouth was open. Also he's from Boston, which gave a bad taste in Harley's mouth from the get go.

Realtor #3
Peggi-incum: The Chinese realtor, she tries, and will show anything. She showed us the house that had so many people living in it, and thus we couldn't see the house for all the mattresses stacked up and leaning on the walls. Most of her property has high water and electricity bills due to much laundry being done on the premises at all times. But when something undesirable appears around the corner in any of the rooms, she just chants the mantra: In-cum, you can get in-cum (income).

Realtor #4
Toupee Joe: He showed us a ranch house in the heat of the summer when most of Astoria and Woodside lost power for over a week. The poor guy had been living in motels and out of his car. When we walked up the the door of the house, I saw a bald guy standing in the doorway, and so I waved. He quickly ducked inside, and came back out wearing a toupee as though we hadn't seen him. Needless to say, the house was very interesting.

Realtor #5
Belal the Indian: The guy who talks and talks and knows everything and still can't get the information right. He is still trying to sell us stuff in Forest Hills. He shows us other people's listings. "His people" have the corner market on Jackson Heights, and it will be easy to rent out anything that we buy.

Realtor #6
sFartacus aka-Farter the Greek: So Harley and I go to see a house that is co-brokered in Jackson Heights, which this woman can't stop saying how wonderful, and mint, mint, mint condition it's in. It is south of Roosevelt Ave., which is a location we have yet to discover. We have been holding off since most of the homes south of Roosevelt are frame and not brick. But what the hell, it's worth looking. So we trek out there, it's freezing outside, and when we get there, the woman is in the small foyer struggling with the keys to get in. We all three try for a good 20 minutes, jiggling the keys. Harley and I go to the back, where I jump the fence to see if the keys work on the back door, but no luck. We go back out front, and in the meanwhile, realtor #6 has made the foyer very stinky. We will probably try to see the house again... she was very very very sorry and gave us some Japanese Mochi, which she thought were Korean, since she bought them in a Korean store.

Realtor #7
Andrew Foxtons: Young cocky guy with slick back hair, always on the go with his blackberry, wheeler/dealer type who likes to party. Drives around in the Foxtons Mini.